I was watching a movie today and I realized something. I have to be someone myself before I can be anything to someone else. I have been struggling for years trying to find out who I really am. I think about it all the time but again its one of those things that is just to stressful to think about so I push it off over and over again and guess what........it just keep popping up. Sure I have plenty of time to think about it but I just can't get myself to focus on that. I just come up with something else to do. I am the Queen of Procrastination, its true I even have a crown.
I find myself living in movies, books, and other people lives. Every time I watch a new movie I just think to myself, now thats what I want in my future. Now obviously a sane person would realize that what I want changes with every movie so how could I actually think that is what I want. Well the truth is I would love to be put in a temp agency of life. Someone could just pick me up and drop me off somewhere and I would have to adapt and learn a new style of living. Then after awhile I get put somewhere else and would get to learn how they live and eventually I will have experienced all the types that are in the movies/books and then I would get to choose what I really want. I have seriously gave this some thought, maybe I should back pack around the world.....or at least the states. (lets face it....i don't have the balls for that )
Now the next thought...well my friends found out about this boy and well I haven't written about him cause I didn't know what it was and to tell you the truth I still don't. I met this boy like 3 weeks ago and he asked for my number. Now I was soo excited because it was the first time a guy has ever really asked for my number. We ended up texting for like 2 hours that night and like 3 hours the next night. This boy can flirt, I mean he is really good at it.....and well, I have to admit I had fun flirting too. We have gone to dinner twice and watched a movie in my room twice. There has been some cuddling and holding hands but I still don't know whats going on. When i think about it, do i just like him cause he likes me or is it because i actually like him. We have a lot of things in common and i feels natural when we hang out. But do I get butterflies because I'm with him or is it because I'm with a guy!
I don't need a man but I do long to in a relationship one day, soon I hope but its like I said before. I have to be something to myself before I can me something to someone else. I'm such a romantic and I stick to that. I told this guy straight up that I don't make to first move. If a guy likes me he should let me know. He said I was playing hard to get, well if that is what hard to get is then call me hard to get. I am a prize to be won, not to be given away!!!
I have also been struggling lately with my image. I was doing really well last year but this summer and since I have gotten to college its really taken a toll on me. Its all about convenience here and that happens to be a lot of snack food and pizza. I am really surprised that I haven't turned into a pizza yet. I work out every once in a while but my schedule is so crazy and all over the place that i haven't been able to get on track with it. I work way better under a set schedule and that is going to be my next step. I can't feel comfortable doing things until i feel comfortable with myself and that is going to take a while. How are others suppose to accept me if I can't even do it. I have been struggling with weight for probably the last ten years and its no fun. You have no idea how many nights and days I have gone through wishing and praying that I would have another body. I wasn't meant to look like this but I just can't get myself to do something about it. I just keep putting it off.
These are my thoughts and they are precious to me......so don't abuse them!!!
-Jess
